This is not the end!

Hey guys, I know I don't post as much these days but I am still here and to be honest there's been quite a bit happening for me behind the scenes. If you follow my Facebook or Instagram then you'll probably know I've bought my first house so things over the last couple of months were very hectic, I took many a break from technology and I loved it, making me reassess the excess of time I spend on technology and trying to keep up to date with all the social media outlets I have.

Most of you will recall my wee confession back in March about the fact I do eat potatoes and white rice on occasion and I'm sleeping better and feeling much better for it! Call the Paleo Police if you want ;)

Essentially the way I'm feeling right now is I wish I could de "label" myself sometimes! People know me as Primal Journey and look up to me as an example of Paleo/Primal living.  I am far from perfect and I have always considered myself a 80/20 follower of Primal, people forget that and then question why I'm drinking milk and eating some potatoes.  Ever since putting myself in the public eye it can be a lot of pressure to try and stay perfectly consistent all the time. I'm in Mark Sissons book, I was on the Good Morning TV show 4 years ago and I have an avid following because of it, I appreciate all of it, truly so thank you for all of the support I receive, it doesn't go unnoticed.

Ok guys I'm gonna get real here.

So I had my experiment with nutritional ketosis and it still remains one of my hottest topics on this blog, it's everywhere at the moment, just do a quick google search and everyone is talking about it and how it's the cure all. When I originally lost all of my weight back in 2008/09 I knew that ketosis was what happens when you drop your carbs low enough but I didn't actively seek it and I would dear say that over that year I would have dipped in and out of it, never staying in deep ketosis 24/7. Last year when I started my actual experiment of testing my ketones and ramping up my fat, dropping my protein and carbs a LOT lower is when I started running into problems. For us women our hormonal levels are mighty complicated and for some of us we require more carbohydrates. I thought over the years that this was hogwash but it turns out that now that I've experienced a few issues I have found myself back peddling and trying to find my sweet spot once again.

When I started this blog, I was all about Low Carb Primal and I was determined to lose weight, I did that and have successfully kept off the majority of my weight. I struggle with keeping it real here and also trying to help people at the same time, I get emails daily asking for help, to look over food diaries, to help with food issues and all sorts. The truth of the matter is I am no diet guru, I don't have any nutrition degrees, psychology degrees, I haven't written books and I haven't got the magic pill that so many are wanting.

I've blogged over the years about the evils of grains, legumes, too many nuts, the miracle of saturated fat, I've demonised starches and sugars, warned against too many paleo treats and the likes of anything that I've had an opinion about, I've lost sight of what I wanted for myself, my quest for better health.

Over the years my eating was sometimes insanely over restrictive to find the best way in which I could lose weight and get a baggin bod. You know deep down I still want that but I don't want it the way I want good health, without your health you have nothing, this I have learnt the hard way. Some would argue that in order to have a baggin bod you have to be healthy and I personally do not agree, I think health comes in all shapes and sizes. Many of you know I have been every different size imaginable and yet I have forgotten somewhere along the way that when I was morbidy obese and struggling to tie my own shoes laces all I ever wanted was to be healthy again. The goal post moves the closer you get to it.

Looking back at all the posts over the past 5 years and the person I was when I started my weight loss journey, I was a person who lost a LOT of weight following a low carb primal diet and I did it relatively effortlessly. The real struggle has been in maintenance and my underlying desire to want to get even slimmer. Over the years I have had periods of being completely off the rails for a couple of weeks only to spend months making up for it by measuring every morsel of food that went into my body. I've counted the carbohydrates in cucumbers while justifying the copious amounts of butter in coffee and I have fasted when in fact I was really frikken hungry! Typing that out makes me think, holy shit that's some messed up relationship you have with food. I tried the Whole30 and only lasted 14 days because I had too much food chatter going on in my head and realised I really don't need to add any more restriction.

In my quest to find more balance with my relationship with food I have just gone back to the way I used to eat before I started experimenting with nutritional ketosis, whole30 etc. etc. Now I believe these programs wholeheartedly have their place and for many people they are life savers. For me I don't think I had a positive outcome.

When I restrict too much I start weighing myself everyday and sometimes more than once and my day is then determined by it, if myfitnesspal pie chart looks like perfect macros then I'd be happy . I would obsess over the stupidest food choices like whether or not I should eat a damn sweet potato, because those carbs might tip me over the edge and knock me right outta ketosis. On the crazy train!

However when I loosely follow the "guidelines" of Primal, and for me that means eating mostly plants and animals with some dairy and starch and I allow myself a little 20% indulgence foods I feel completely normal and like I do not have any type of issues with food. Beyond that I cascade into a complete crazy lady on the hunt for my next sugar hit!

See Paleo/Primal is an awesome way of eating that I truly enjoy and I feel so damn good when I follow it, I managed to make it a misery by going on a "strict 100% compliant" version of it. I tend to take everything to extremes, I've never been much of a fan of moderation because I have thought I couldn't do it. I still struggle with it and I'm trying to work on it, I kind of like the challenge now of just trying to eat one cookie and then stop, yeah I'm still not there but I'm trying.

I see this whole thing as a bit of a break through for me, here I am 5 years down the track of losing my weight and I have been terrified of gaining it all back. For anyone who has lost a substantial amount of weight I'm sure you can relate to some degree.

Now in reality my life is pretty damn great, I look good, I can pretty much shop at any shop I want, when you have been obese this doesn't ever get old! I have an awesome marriage to the most amazing man who has always been there being my biggest cheerleader and loved me no matter what size I have been.  I remind myself if he can love me so much with all my imperfections then how come it's so much harder to love myself?!

I don't think the lesson of self love is something you learn and all of a sudden decide to love yourself, I think it's a long winded journey of self discovery, I hope that once I reach my mid life then I can stop caring SO much about how I look and truly love the skin I'm in 100%!

So that's where I am at! I am trying to eat intuitively without "rules", I am nourishing my body with micronutrients so plenty of vegetables. I am eating in a way that feels right for me at this stage in my journey. I feel like my diet is more balanced now, I'm not trying to actively lose weight like I used to, I feel like I am a healthy weight and my clothes fit me and most of all I feel normal! 

"Eat sufficient protein, fill in the rest with carbohydrates and fat, don't snack much, don't starve yourself, and develop a healthy relationship with food and with yourself". Amen Stefani Ruper!
I refuse to weigh myself anymore, I am not counting calories or macros (carbs, fat, protein). I am enjoying myself and my life without food restrictions. My mindset has changed quite drastically and I know that this isn't the end.

I feel relieved, nervous and determined all at the same time! I am relieved that I have given myself permission to not care so much whether I eat something "non-primal", I'm nervous because of course I don't want to gain my weight back and then I'm determined because I know that I can and will gain a sense of peace with this all eventually.

I had to give you all an update to let you know where I'm at, I had big ideas to do all sorts of things like writing a recipe book and doing YouTube videos but I think where I am at right now I need to work on reforming my relationship with food and my body and I am doing so by by reading good books like "Sexy By Nature" by Stefani Ruper "Health at Every Size" by Linda Bacon

“Celebrating the unique beauty within you does not mean that you cannot set goals. It does not mean that you give up on weight loss, fitness, clear skin, or any of the other external markers of health and sex appeal…. It means only that you embrace your body as it has been designed." - Stefani Ruper

These books are both life changing!