Breaking free from the scale!

I’ve been mulling over my blog for the last few days and reading some of my old posts from when I first began, geez it really takes me back to when I was in full swing serious weight loss mode.  I still can’t believe really that I used to weigh over 100kgs, just kind of seems unbelievable, I feel so normal no w, just a normal weight, most people to look at me would think I’ve always been this size.  I’m not fat, I’m not thin, I’m just normal.  I’d like to be a little thinner, doesn’t everyone but I’m just truly thankful that I’m not fat anymore and if I’m just struggling with a few kgs who the hell cares right?! There will always be haters, some will think I’m still fat and could do with losing a bit more and then other haters who think I’m too thin, I think that’s really just because of how big I was.  It’s hard to keep everyone happy.  It got me thinking what it really takes to get the body of your dreams.

I can’t say I have the perfect body of my dreams, who the hell does, when it comes down to it even those who have the perfect stats are still going to be trying to improve themselves in some way. I find it truly fascinating the amount of woman I speak to who still think they are fat and think they could do with losing a few, even if they honestly have nothing more to lose otherwise they would look emaciated.  It is all in our head people! We are a little delusional and obviously the glossy magazines don’t really help with feeding that illusion because that’s what it is!

I’m not going to lie, of course I want to be slimmer, and who doesn’t really! I’d also like to have a bigger house, better car, to work less yadda yadda but what is realistic, what is achievable without losing focus of the big picture.  Happiness is what’s truly important, being in a loving relationship, having an amazing group of friends and family around you, giving to others, being fit and healthy, waking up everyday feeling like you are right where you want to be.  Those things are something that a number on a scale or the size on your clothes will never satisfy. 

Maybe because we focus on our bodies and looks too much we are missing what’s really important.  Maybe if we were just happy with what we had we wouldn’t care so much.  Ok so we are primal beings, we are competitive, born that way to survive, to get ourselves a mate for life.  Naturally that drives us to want to better ourselves.  I’m sure there are people out there than don’t care about any of this, people who are truly content, people who are striving and hoping to better themselves each day and then there are the majorly obsessive people who will never find a happy place with themselves.

I like to think that I’m in between the truly content and striving, I’ve had moments of obsessive and moments of I don’t give a crap. Right now I feel pretty happy with my life, sure I’ve done a lot to get to where I am, I’ve lost 40odd kgs, I’m a whole lot healthier for it, my face doesn’t have two chins anymore and I think for the most part I can scrub up fairly well, I am thankful.  I have braces on my teeth at the moment which will hopefully help my jaw issues and it’s going improve my teeth so that I’m not so self conscious when I smile.  I’m never going to be modelesque, I have far too many curves, excess body weight, not tall enough and frankly not model looking anyway but I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to have all that, would it truly make me happy, probably not.  My life feels pretty full, I feel happy most days, I still wake up and bounce out of bed most of the time happy, but I still have fat days, I still have bad hair days and ugly days.  But above all of that I am thankful, I’m thankful that I’m here, I have a healthy functioning body, a husband who adores me, a family that loves me and friends who I’m pretty sure love me too!

So what does it take to get that perfect body, I guess good genes help somewhat, healthy diet - I'd suggest a Primal one of course! a level of calorie or carbohydrate restriction, the right type and amount of exercise, plastic surgery or even lippo for some hell I don’t really know exactly but what I do know that no matter what, it takes time, discipline and serious commitment.  Even if you don’t end up getting the body of your dreams you can make massive changes and get a body that will serve you very well.  I’m pretty happy with my body, when I stand naked in a mirror I can appreciate my curves and feel good about where I’m at.  I can still see plenty of places where I’d like to lift areas and trim fat off myself but overall it’s obviously not enough for me to carve myself out a bangin body, I wish it was but apparently it’s not, otherwise perhaps I would be at the perfect weight.  Maybe it also has something to do with how much my husband adores me and also loves the size I am right now.

I think that everyone who has lost weight goes through this, when will it be enough, will we ever stop and feel truly happy with our appearance, would losing those last few kgs and getting a tummy tuck or breast lift or get the bit of excess skin removed really make us happy.  I think if I had the money then sure I would do it, however I don’t know if I would feel much different.  At the end of the day most of us are just striving to do better, I do think this is a good thing but it’s about finding balance to not drive ourselves crazy everyday.

When I was morbidly obese weighing 107kgs I used to daydream about how wonderful it would be just to fit into my size 14 jeans, I couldn’t even really imagine that it would be possible again, I would hold up my favourite jeans and just want to cry, I couldn’t believe that I had done all that damage to myself, a couple of years prior I was wearing those jeans, it seemed like a distant memory.  I guess every woman has those moments, no matter what your size, we have all cried or wanted to cry just to fit back into our favourite jeans.  I could have sworn that back in 2008 when I was a size 20-22 that I would have done anything to magically just fit into those jeans and I remember saying to myself that if I could just be healthy again and feel somewhat slim then I would be truly happy... 

So I arrived at approx 75kgs, a size 14 and it was unbelievable when I realised that I finally fitted those jeans.  Unfortunately that feeling didn't last and it wasn’t enough, now I knew I could do it I wanted to lose more, the slimmer I could get the better right? In the past I’ve been a size 8 at 54kgs, I knew that I was thin but I didn’t arrive there thinking that my life was just perfect, I remember thinking well I’m thin, now what?  My lowest weight on this journey has been 64.8kgs, I loved being that size, I fitted into a size 10-11 and I felt damn good when I think back, however when I was that size I knew that I wanted to better myself even further, why not try for 62kgs because then I’ll fit a size 9-10.  All just numbers in my head thinking it might change how I feel. 

I never did get to 62, I’d love to, lets be honest.  My body naturally falls at 69kgs quite easily, I don’t have to work that hard for it, I can indulge easily and just stay this size, a size 12.  I’ve been all different weights and sizes.  While I’m not the smallest I’ve ever been or would like to be I can say I feel the happiest I’ve ever been.  At the moment I’m trying to break the chains to the scale, I’m trying to detach myself from the outcome and not worry about it so much, I’ve put the scales away for 30 days, I’m extremely over weighing myself every day, those numbers just mess with my head and I think it’s best we take a break from each other.  I know when I’m getting fat, I eat too much and my pants get tight.  This will be an interesting challenge, I like numbers and I like to feel in control when I know exactly what my numbers are.  I’m going to do my best to stick to this challenge and make my next 30 days be about self love, nurturing my body with fresh healthy delicious clean eating.  I’m nervous but excited to break the cycle!