Change of focus!

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I have started working with Kate Callaghan from The Holistic Nutritionist, Kate is a real sweetheart full of knowledge and has opened me up to a few home truths about many choices I have made in the past which has lead me down the path to poor sleep, energy fluctuations, migraines and digestive issues just to name a few.  I have been very low carb for many years and this has unfortunately taken it’s toll on my body.  My cortisol is all over the place, I wake up dragging my feet and crawling through the day only to find myself ready to clean the entire house at 6pm when I should be winding down for the night.  

This has really thrown me for a loop both physically and mentally.  Kate is focusing on increasing the nutrients in my diet and increasing the plant based carbohydrates both vegetables and starchy vegetables that have been missing for many years in order to help my hormones and heal my gut health.  While I have only begun working with her and I don’t have any “shout it from the rooftops” moments I feel like I am on the right track.  

Because of my history with strict ketogenic dieting and Intermittent Fasting I have done a lot of damage as I used it for too long because I lost sight of long term health for short term weight loss.  I tell you this not to scare you but because I hope it might help you to do your own research.  I thought I was doing the best thing for my body at the time but it turns out it’s just given me even more health issues.

My blog will be taking more of a direction away from weight loss and more of a focus on health, nutrient dense foods, recipes that I will be creating and a focus on healthy body image and fashion!  I understand as a result of this I may lose some followers that are purely following me for weight loss advice and that is ok.  My direction these days has evolved into focusing on health and I hope most of you will stick along for my continuing journey as it evolves.  

Many people in this world of weight loss blogging are experiencing a ‘honeymoon’ period and for the first couple of years everything is wonderful, very rarely do you see weight loss bloggers in it for the long haul that are authentic.  From the beginning I have been candid about this entire process for over five years and the future of my blog is no exception.

My blog is also undergoing a bit of a makeover so it will be much easier to navigate! Thank you all for continuing to follow me and I hope you will enjoy what is still to come.

No magic pill!

My life felt like it only began after I'd lost my weight, beforehand I was so consumed with being fat and feeling down on myself that I couldn't see past it, in reality I was just pained by emotional conflict, I never felt good enough or smart enough, I was just the pretty one who didn't finish school and I felt so judged.  It wasn't really the weight at all, the weight was just a symptom of my inner turmoil.  I had to hit rock bottom before I could muster the courage to change anything.  I started my own business because I had been made redundant and with the support of my loving husband who believed in me when I didn't believe in myself I was able to change focus, to find something I was truly passionate about and that I was good at, something that made me feel enough.  I believe that it opened the door to me starting to take care of myself, I discovered primal and the weight started coming off.  I lost the weight in a year, I was committed and focused and I felt like nothing could stand in my way.

The biggest hurdle I didn't see coming was learning to live my life after weight loss because even though I was no longer obese, I still thought I could do with losing more weight.  Over the last few years I have battled with myself over still not feeling "enough", when the truth of the matter is I am enough, right now at this size or any size.  My own ego was getting in the way of seeing myself the way that my closest family and friends see me, they don't love me for my size, they love me for me, because of my spirit, because of who I am and how I make them feel.  Only now am I learning to truly love the person that I am and I am slowly realising that it has nothing to do with how I look or what I weigh.  This weight loss journey has taught me so much about myself, both the good and the bad.  If back then someone offered me a pill to take to make it easy I would've wanted it without a doubt, only now do I realise this far down the track is that no pill can ever do for you what self care and stepping outside of your comfort zone will do for you.

Body at peace!

A couple of years back a friend of mine offered to do a little photo shoot, I had just had my braces taken off and was grinning from ear to ear, I'd waited all my life to smile and not feel self conscious about my crooked teeth. When he asked me I kept delaying it because I was hoping to lose a couple more kilos but eventually hubby convinced me to do it.

So I did it and I loved it, it was a lot of fun! When I first saw the photos I initially zoomed in on my large legs, they've always been my most disliked body part, I never really appreciated how strong those puppies are and that I can do a hill climb on my bike faster than my husband who is over 6 foot!

Once I started accepting that I'm never going to have super lean legs and that my legs are built for power and strength I started to feel empowered. I can look back on these photos now and really admire them, this is what I look like at my natural weight.

Throughout my weight loss journey I have had many moments of doubt, of still not feeling slim enough and only until recently am I truly feeling some level of peace with my body. I have finally discovered I don't need anyone else to like my body but me.

I have had to consciously work with myself on this everyday. I've been every different size throughout my life and even when I saw ribs poking through I still zeroed in on my legs because it was never about the size I was anyway, it was about having love for myself. I had to change my internal dialogue to compassion and love.

We are our own worst critics and once we can accept our body and it's natural shape and truly love it even if it may not be our picture perfect ideal that is when we can find peace.

Finding moderation after a life of extremes...

I'm the first to admit that I have sworn that I would never be able to do moderation, after all I have this all or nothing personality and I can't just eat one cookie...or can I?

Before I go delving into my personal journey I really want to make one thing clear, I'm not here to tell you that there is a wrong or right way to do things and my hope is to be a voice of reason in what seems a chaotic dogmatic approach to health and fitness that surrounds us.  You can take it or leave it, I won't be offended, I'm not everyones personal taste and some will simply not like what I have to say, however I know that there will be plenty of people out there that are walking this health journey feeling conflicted and just down right confused.

Most of you know the history with my journey, for a brief overview for anyone that doesn't I will start back at October 2008 when I decided to turn my health around, I wanted to lose the weight that I felt was holding me back from living my life.  I started a low carb diet and then found Primal and it was the answer to all my prayers, I lost 42kgs in a year and I felt A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!!! I had found the key to my health and I was living breathing proof that you can change so much about your body and live an amazing life if you really put your mind to it.  I was so passionate that I blogged my entire journey, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, fat is oh soo good, grains will kill you, sugar is evil, you know the drill.  I was an avid Primal follower for life!  Until my version of it became a very long winding roller coaster of a health journey.  

I thought I had found balance, I would eat a strict low carb version of primal during the week and come the weekend I would go balls to the wall on all the food I really wanted to eat, you name it I ate it, I convinced myself I was like a drug addict but with sugar and carbs.  Either I could abstain entirely from the carbs and sugar or I was a crazy lunatic filling my body with all kinds of junk.  Looking back on it now I know that I hadn't found balance at all, I was just in denial.  

You know "they" say that maintaining weight loss is the hardest part of weight loss and I wholeheartedly agree, I used to think it was a breeze but I was wrong, it's hard, the struggle is real and I am here to tell you that it's not always smooth sailing.

I had declared back in my Moderation post that I was the extreme all or nothing personality that could never ever do moderation, I mean I remember vividly not that long ago that I would eat something like hot chips and vow to only eat a few and before I knew it I had eaten the bowl and was searching for my next fix while most other people around me were satisfied with just a few, I was always so frustrated that I couldn't just eat in moderation like everyone else, I thought it was just my "broken metabolism", I never thought it was just my shitty relationship with food that was just a cycle or restriction and binging.  

Where did things go wrong?
Well after my initial weight loss of 42kgs I had hit 65kgs and over the next couple of years I bounced around 67-75 never quite hitting that 65kgs again, I had that number so ingrained in my mind and it was this never ending challenge that I could never quite get back down to that magical number I had so desperately wanted to achieve again.  I felt like a failure, I had thousands of people following me inspired to be able to find their health and lose weight like I had and here I was struggling myself.  In an effort to get back down to that weight I started fasting, I did lots of intermittent fasting, I tried eating windows of 8 hours and 16 hour fasts daily, I did 24 hour fasts a couple of times a week, I did 48 hour fasts once a week, I did Ketogenic dieting where I went super low in carbs and dropped my protein, I did fat fasts, I did Whole30, I dropped my calories to a mere 1200 calories, I had done it all in the space of a year and all this had done was warped my relationship with food even more, I just couldn't quite grasp why I was miserably failing. 

Until I let go...
I stopped it all, I stopped driving myself crazy.  I don't know what exactly did it but I really delved deep, I stopped hating on my body and giving it grace, after all I have put it through over the years I knew that in order to find peace I had to.  I gave myself permission to love the body I have now even if that means I don't have the scale number I so badly wanted again, what if I could just stop the insanity, find some balance and learn to truly love the body i'm in and heal my warped relationship with food? What if I could just feel normal about it all and not punish myself with the next crazy diet.  What if I could find moderation....

And I have!
Well I almost have, I have found balance, I have found moderation and I have learnt to love myself in it's entirety.  How you ask? by not following any extreme diets or any labeled programs including primal, paleo, low carb, clean eating or whatever you want to call it.  I started to eat a much more balanced diet and yes that includes some grains, carbs and sugar, call me crazy!!! I have heard people talking about eating everything in moderation for years, and I mean pretty much all my life, I thought well wouldn't that be nice, I wouldn't have become so overweight if I could just eat in moderation.  I was convinced it was a personality trait that I couldn't follow moderation.  What I have discovered is that I actually can do moderation when I'm not restricting myself so much. 

I have taught myself to eat and exercise in moderation and it was not easy, I still have times that I struggle with it but I have found such a place of balance that I can't believe I have gone through years of torturing myself with such extremes.  

It all started with eating more carbs, not going so crazy on the fat and just eating 3 times a day and a snack if I felt like it.  I started walking, because all of a sudden I actually had energy to exercise again.  I started doing Body Balance (Yoga/Pilates/Tai Chi) and I started lifting weights again.  All of these things had fallen away because I was so all consumed with trying to eat less that I had zapped myself of energy because I wasn't fuelling myself with enough food.  

At first I thought if I allow myself to eat whatever I want I am going to become obese again, like I didn't trust my body, it had failed me for years so why all of a sudden am I going to be able to eat in moderation.  There were definitely days were I went a little crazy and just ate way too much and felt physically uncomfortable that I had to get horizontal, and then there were days that I didn't and I felt great!  I wanted so badly to heal and to be able to eat what I consider to be a relatively balanced diet that I was willing to gain a little weight back if that's what I needed to do.

For the last 6 months I have been working on this and it hasn't been easy but oh boy it has been worth it.  At first I gained a little weight, my jeans were soo tight, it was disheartening but I stuck with it because I was determined to eat more that a mere 1200-1500 calories a day for the rest of my life, I really like food and I wanted to feel normal and get my energy back.  After a few months my weight stabilised and the water weight and bloating I had gained dissipated.  I can now eat about 2100-2300 calories a day, I wear a fitbit to see how many calories I really am burning and my weight is stable because my skinny jeans fit me perfectly again, I don't use the scale anymore as I just can't hop on it without wanting to go on some extreme weight loss plan.  I am still recovering, I think I really did a number on my adrenals after all the fasting and dieting over the last couple of years but I am finally feeling my health return and it feels awesome.

The last month that I have been off social media was such healing time for me, I have done plenty of soul searching, doing body balance and walking has been so amazing for me reconnecting with my body.   So after all of that does this mean I'm not longer Primal? well not exactly, I just hate the label that it brings, I still concentrate on eating real food most of the time, I love my meat, eggs and dairy, fruit and vegetables and starches like potato and rice so those make up the bulk of what I eat on a daily basis but if I feel like some oatmeal for breakfast or some toast with my eggs or a bowl of ice-cream made with real sugar then I'm going to eat it. I don't seem to have any issues with gluten and dairy.  I used to have huge gut issues after being super low carb and I couldn't tolerate any gluten, after 6 months of eating fermented foods like sauerkraut and foods with resistant starch (cooked and cooled rice and potatoes) I have restored my gut flora and can now eat gluten with no problem which is awesome.

Do I still think that low carb is the way to go?
Well I think that it depends and it is definitely a case by case basis.  It was effortless for me to get my weight off with low carb but I think that a long term low carb diet isn't always so black and white and you need to be honest with yourself and how it's affecting your health.  If you are doing great on it then awesome, keep doing what you are doing.  I'm just here to offer my experience so that others out there that may be experiencing some negative effects won't feel so alone.  Most of us know that this journey is not an easy one.  I may lose some of my low carb followers and thats ok, I'm not here for popularity or to make money and I have always vowed to be authentic.  The weight loss industry is full of all sorts of people trying to make a quick buck and it can leave many people feeling really vulnerable and desperate.  I hope some of you found this helpful to help you find your balance :)

Maintaining and finding balance!

Hello lovely peeps! I have been really enjoying my digital detox, life without Facebook and IG has been very liberating :) I have had far more time to workout, I've been doing a bit of LesMills BodyBalance and weight training and have continued my walking apart from when it's really crappy weather! I am still eating approx 100gms carbs a day and loving it, I still make most of my meals healthy and balanced and I'm doing really well with moderation, eating an icecream or takeaway meal without going balls to the wall so feeling quite balanced at the moment! I can't even tell you how awesome it feels to not be so obsessed with trying to fall under a 'diet umbrella' and to have finally fallen into a nice healthy rhythm! Do I still have my fat days where I doubt myself and think I'm bigger than I am or I'm extra bloated and think I'm back to where I started and still 107kgs? Of course I do! but this is a huge journey that never ends and comes with all kinds of insecurities! I don't even know what I weigh, haven't weighed for a couple of months but my jeans feel comfortable and that is what makes me feel happy. I'm detached from the scale number these days and I am mentally in a far better place than I have ever been. It's only taken me 5 and a half years but there's no quick fix and maintenance is HARD! I'll post the odd photo when it's photo worthy but it won't be a daily thing, finding balance in all areas of my life is no easy feat! Hope you are all doing well on your journey :D

Old photo and latest happenings :)

Found my old passport photo from 2008 when I was at my biggest and couldn't resist to share it here even though I'm on a social media sabbatical ;)

 

Loving my break from social media right now, it's been a month and instead of logging into my online stuff I've been taking time for me and doing some mindfulness yoga and loving it! 

I've also have more time to move more, I have joined my local gym and started lifting again a couple times a week, I do LesMills BodyBalance about 3 times a week, I also have a new FitBit and Polar Heart Rate Monitor so that I can track my steps to get a real picture of the amount of movement I really do in a day since I have such a sedentary job and the Polar is for my heart rate targets of my gym sessions.  

I'm really loving the FitBit, it also monitors your sleep which is very eye opening.  So for now I'm just taking more me time which I felt I needed.  I hope you are all well :)

You haven't seen the last of me yet! Until next time x

Unplugging!

Hey guys, I've wanted to do this for a while but kept putting it off because unplugging feels truly weird! I've been blogging for 5 years and doing the social media thing for 2-3 years so it feels unusual to feel in a place that I feel ready to unplug. To be honest there's a part of me that will miss the attention. When you post your photo and hundreds of people tell you you’re so amazing, it's one hell of an ego boost. It’s truly quite addictive. I need to get back to my simple self and find my inner peace and let go of my ego and find some balance. Also I've given all I have to give for now, that's not to say I won't pick it back up in the future but right now I'm not feeling it and I need a serious break. This isn't me having a break from eating well and staying healthy, I've changed my lifestyle permanently and can never envision this changing. This is me just having a break from the health and fitness world, low carb, primal, paleo, clean eating etc etc and a break from hearing my own opinions and thoughts. I am removing all apps from my phone and taking up other interests that I used to do before I became all consumed with Blogging and Facebook. When I feel the need to update my blog I will but for now I'm taking a Sabbatical! My blog and all social media outlets will stay up but won't be active on them while I'm taking a break. I thank each and every one of you for helping to make my experience with blogging and social media a positive one, I have learnt far more from all of you than I ever thought I would and I am truly thankful. See you in the next episode!

This is not the end!

Hey guys, I know I don't post as much these days but I am still here and to be honest there's been quite a bit happening for me behind the scenes. If you follow my Facebook or Instagram then you'll probably know I've bought my first house so things over the last couple of months were very hectic, I took many a break from technology and I loved it, making me reassess the excess of time I spend on technology and trying to keep up to date with all the social media outlets I have.

Most of you will recall my wee confession back in March about the fact I do eat potatoes and white rice on occasion and I'm sleeping better and feeling much better for it! Call the Paleo Police if you want ;)

Essentially the way I'm feeling right now is I wish I could de "label" myself sometimes! People know me as Primal Journey and look up to me as an example of Paleo/Primal living.  I am far from perfect and I have always considered myself a 80/20 follower of Primal, people forget that and then question why I'm drinking milk and eating some potatoes.  Ever since putting myself in the public eye it can be a lot of pressure to try and stay perfectly consistent all the time. I'm in Mark Sissons book, I was on the Good Morning TV show 4 years ago and I have an avid following because of it, I appreciate all of it, truly so thank you for all of the support I receive, it doesn't go unnoticed.

Ok guys I'm gonna get real here.

So I had my experiment with nutritional ketosis and it still remains one of my hottest topics on this blog, it's everywhere at the moment, just do a quick google search and everyone is talking about it and how it's the cure all. When I originally lost all of my weight back in 2008/09 I knew that ketosis was what happens when you drop your carbs low enough but I didn't actively seek it and I would dear say that over that year I would have dipped in and out of it, never staying in deep ketosis 24/7. Last year when I started my actual experiment of testing my ketones and ramping up my fat, dropping my protein and carbs a LOT lower is when I started running into problems. For us women our hormonal levels are mighty complicated and for some of us we require more carbohydrates. I thought over the years that this was hogwash but it turns out that now that I've experienced a few issues I have found myself back peddling and trying to find my sweet spot once again.

When I started this blog, I was all about Low Carb Primal and I was determined to lose weight, I did that and have successfully kept off the majority of my weight. I struggle with keeping it real here and also trying to help people at the same time, I get emails daily asking for help, to look over food diaries, to help with food issues and all sorts. The truth of the matter is I am no diet guru, I don't have any nutrition degrees, psychology degrees, I haven't written books and I haven't got the magic pill that so many are wanting.

I've blogged over the years about the evils of grains, legumes, too many nuts, the miracle of saturated fat, I've demonised starches and sugars, warned against too many paleo treats and the likes of anything that I've had an opinion about, I've lost sight of what I wanted for myself, my quest for better health.

Over the years my eating was sometimes insanely over restrictive to find the best way in which I could lose weight and get a baggin bod. You know deep down I still want that but I don't want it the way I want good health, without your health you have nothing, this I have learnt the hard way. Some would argue that in order to have a baggin bod you have to be healthy and I personally do not agree, I think health comes in all shapes and sizes. Many of you know I have been every different size imaginable and yet I have forgotten somewhere along the way that when I was morbidy obese and struggling to tie my own shoes laces all I ever wanted was to be healthy again. The goal post moves the closer you get to it.

Looking back at all the posts over the past 5 years and the person I was when I started my weight loss journey, I was a person who lost a LOT of weight following a low carb primal diet and I did it relatively effortlessly. The real struggle has been in maintenance and my underlying desire to want to get even slimmer. Over the years I have had periods of being completely off the rails for a couple of weeks only to spend months making up for it by measuring every morsel of food that went into my body. I've counted the carbohydrates in cucumbers while justifying the copious amounts of butter in coffee and I have fasted when in fact I was really frikken hungry! Typing that out makes me think, holy shit that's some messed up relationship you have with food. I tried the Whole30 and only lasted 14 days because I had too much food chatter going on in my head and realised I really don't need to add any more restriction.

In my quest to find more balance with my relationship with food I have just gone back to the way I used to eat before I started experimenting with nutritional ketosis, whole30 etc. etc. Now I believe these programs wholeheartedly have their place and for many people they are life savers. For me I don't think I had a positive outcome.

When I restrict too much I start weighing myself everyday and sometimes more than once and my day is then determined by it, if myfitnesspal pie chart looks like perfect macros then I'd be happy . I would obsess over the stupidest food choices like whether or not I should eat a damn sweet potato, because those carbs might tip me over the edge and knock me right outta ketosis. On the crazy train!

However when I loosely follow the "guidelines" of Primal, and for me that means eating mostly plants and animals with some dairy and starch and I allow myself a little 20% indulgence foods I feel completely normal and like I do not have any type of issues with food. Beyond that I cascade into a complete crazy lady on the hunt for my next sugar hit!

See Paleo/Primal is an awesome way of eating that I truly enjoy and I feel so damn good when I follow it, I managed to make it a misery by going on a "strict 100% compliant" version of it. I tend to take everything to extremes, I've never been much of a fan of moderation because I have thought I couldn't do it. I still struggle with it and I'm trying to work on it, I kind of like the challenge now of just trying to eat one cookie and then stop, yeah I'm still not there but I'm trying.

I see this whole thing as a bit of a break through for me, here I am 5 years down the track of losing my weight and I have been terrified of gaining it all back. For anyone who has lost a substantial amount of weight I'm sure you can relate to some degree.

Now in reality my life is pretty damn great, I look good, I can pretty much shop at any shop I want, when you have been obese this doesn't ever get old! I have an awesome marriage to the most amazing man who has always been there being my biggest cheerleader and loved me no matter what size I have been.  I remind myself if he can love me so much with all my imperfections then how come it's so much harder to love myself?!

I don't think the lesson of self love is something you learn and all of a sudden decide to love yourself, I think it's a long winded journey of self discovery, I hope that once I reach my mid life then I can stop caring SO much about how I look and truly love the skin I'm in 100%!

So that's where I am at! I am trying to eat intuitively without "rules", I am nourishing my body with micronutrients so plenty of vegetables. I am eating in a way that feels right for me at this stage in my journey. I feel like my diet is more balanced now, I'm not trying to actively lose weight like I used to, I feel like I am a healthy weight and my clothes fit me and most of all I feel normal! 

"Eat sufficient protein, fill in the rest with carbohydrates and fat, don't snack much, don't starve yourself, and develop a healthy relationship with food and with yourself". Amen Stefani Ruper!
I refuse to weigh myself anymore, I am not counting calories or macros (carbs, fat, protein). I am enjoying myself and my life without food restrictions. My mindset has changed quite drastically and I know that this isn't the end.

I feel relieved, nervous and determined all at the same time! I am relieved that I have given myself permission to not care so much whether I eat something "non-primal", I'm nervous because of course I don't want to gain my weight back and then I'm determined because I know that I can and will gain a sense of peace with this all eventually.

I had to give you all an update to let you know where I'm at, I had big ideas to do all sorts of things like writing a recipe book and doing YouTube videos but I think where I am at right now I need to work on reforming my relationship with food and my body and I am doing so by by reading good books like "Sexy By Nature" by Stefani Ruper "Health at Every Size" by Linda Bacon

“Celebrating the unique beauty within you does not mean that you cannot set goals. It does not mean that you give up on weight loss, fitness, clear skin, or any of the other external markers of health and sex appeal…. It means only that you embrace your body as it has been designed." - Stefani Ruper

These books are both life changing!

Happiness comes from within

Happiness comes from within. It doesn't come from a number on the scale or the size of your clothes or having a flat stomach, a thigh gap or a "perfect" derrière.

I have been every scale number between 54kgs-107kgs and every size from a NZ6-NZ22 over the span of 10 years. Today I sit at 69-70kgs and a size NZ10-12 and I have been here for almost 5 years. I feel my body has reached its happy place, while it's a higher "number" or "size" than what my so called ideal is (or was) I can truly say I love my body in its entirety with all my physical imperfections, because I am beautiful the way I am today.

I've never had the desire to achieve a flawless body because I know that I couldn't achieve that without going to a place of crazy (for me anyway). But I am letting go of wishing for my perfect body...why?

Because I got tired of waking up everyday and deciding how happy I was based on the scale number. I got tired of my life revolving around making a perfect food choice. Most of all I got tired of attaching my self worth to what I looked like. We live in a world that is so obsessed with how we should look.

Health to me now is finding balance. It's moving my body everyday and doing something I love, not exercising in a punishing way or trying to "burn calories". It's eating food that nourishes me and that I enjoy, not just focusing on macros. Food that makes me feel good!

The more you love and respect your body and find happiness with where your body is right now the more you will want to take care of it.

Be thankful for your whole body and appreciate what your body can do. You are not flawed so give yourself permission to be happy with yourself no matter where you are on your journey. If you think that waiting until you reach a perfect "weight" or "size" until you can be happy you will be sadly disappointed because your goals will always shift and it will never end if you can't accept and love your body right now.

What I will say is that I have to work on this mindset daily, happiness and self-worth isn't something you can buy. Everyday I visualise a healthy body/mind relationship and over time it is happening. I didn't just wake up one day and everything changed, no, this has been in the making for a long time now.

Think about all the amazing qualities you have, think of your character. You don't love your best friend or your mum because of they way they look. Give yourself the same love that you have for others.

Losing weight isn’t going to make your life better if your only goal is to lose weight. Instead focus of the feeling of being healthy and nourishing your body and mind with the things that you love, the things that bring joy to your life. Surround yourself with positive people.
Don't only work hard to change your body but work hard at loving yourself, the two can co-exist. It takes time, practice little steps towards loving yourself a little more everyday.

I'm challenging the ideals us women have about always wanting to "look different", when does it stop?

Challenge yourself! Imagine living in a body that each day you wake up and truly love yourself, how would that feel?

Maybe I was wrong!

I know by writing this that I may very well lose some of my avid keto followers or some hard core paleo followers and I'm ok with that.  The whole purpose of my blog was always just a platform for me to go through the motions of this weight loss journey without driving my family crazy with information they found boring, it was also to share my ups and downs as many of you relate.  It's never been about popularity and although my facebook page and this blog has become relatively popular in recent years it's never been my driving force, I am always grateful for the followers I do have and I hope that my authenticity and open mindedness is what keeps you reading.

Most of you know of my history with Primal, I've been primal for over 5 years and I've always classed myself as an 80/20 follower because I have a love affair with dairy and chocolate and lets face it I've never really been 100% compliant because I just don't want to live like that and I haven't felt the need to, I take my hat off to those that do Primal/Paleo 100%, I'm not one of them.  I have had my fair share of macro-nutrient adjustments over the years, plenty of trial and error and I've learnt a great deal about myself and my relationship with food in the process, it's something that cannot be taught, it comes from experience in living it day in day out.

I lost 40 kgs back in 2008/2009 following a very low carbohydrate diet of around 30-50grams a day which I did for a year, then for the past 5 years I've mostly stayed around about 50-70gms most days with a few higher carb days thrown in for good measure and a few intermittent fast days also.  Last year I played around with nutritional ketosis here and here, I dropped my carbohydrates and my protein levels a lot lower and ramped up the fat, it was fantastic for dropping weight fast but I am becoming convinced that it's not a healthy state to be in 24/7.  At the time I felt amazing and had so much energy it almost felt unnatural. Fast forward to the last couple of months and I felt my body screaming at me to change something, I couldn't go on eating such a high fat, low carb diet, not because I didn't enjoy it but because I feel like it was taxing my hormones.  The one important thing I have learnt from my journey with weight loss and trying to obtain perfect health is that hormones and gut health are at the core of it all.

I was noticing that my sleep was becoming very erratic, my energy was lagging big time (even while in ketosis) when previously I was bouncing off walls, my gut health started to become very bad to the point I was struggling to digest vegetables, and my menstrual cycle was becoming very out of whack and extremely painful. I made sure I had bone broths, I kept the salt, potassium and magnesium high but none of it made a difference.  I thought it would all iron out but it didn't.  Once I started doing the research in places like Paleo for Women, Paul Jaminet, Chris Kesser, PaNu, Free the Animal and listening to all sorts of podcasts from Balanced bites, Robb Wolf and Dave Aspery etc..I have started putting a few things together in order to untangle the web I had spun myself.  I read forums, blog posts and comments, more books and taking all the information in, I found myself feeling conflicted and confused and a little bit angry, had all this keto dieting I had done recently been doing the damage, after all the studies I read on it had me convinced that Keto was amazing for long term health, the success stories alone are enough to make anyone make the change.  I thought it wasn't that far of a stretch to what I normally do.  I was wrong.

So in my long journey of regaining my health and maintaining my weight I gave the Perfect Health Diet another whirl, the last time I had done it I found I would binge on carbs all the time, what was different this time? I believe it was not going crazy on the fat while I was eating potatoes and rice, if you add tons of butter to starchy carbohydrates it makes it really hard to stop eating them, if you have them with only a little bit of fat and keep the meal much simpler it's much easier to only eat the amount you need.  From the data I've read on the subject it has a lot to do with food reward and our ability to listen to our real hunger cues.  Most of us find it hard to stop eating overly processed foods like pizza, cakes etc because it's the combination of sugar, fat and salt that keeps us gagging for more.  I have always struggled with moderation and felt like I have an addiction to these kinds of foods, especially when on a very low carb diet.  The most unusual and awesome side effect I have noticed since I have upped the starch in my diet is that I do not crave these foods like I used to and I can have a small amount and stop, that was unheard of for me and the reason I could never do moderation.

I still haven't formed a strong opinion about whether I think that strict nutritional ketogenic dieting is something that I agree with, I've had a pretty good stint with it and I have since changed my stance on it - hence why I'm writing this.  However I cannot deny that I had wonderful results in the weight loss department, in terms of health I found myself becoming unwell. Dropping carbs below 50gms per day undoubtedly works for weight loss, it was how I got off my 40kgs relatively effortlessly so I cannot deny that.  Would I recommend others do the same? I think it really depends on what kind of health you have, many people are much more resilient and can possibly handle the stress that low carb puts on our hormones, others might not be so lucky. 

So what does my daily diet look like now? Well I still consider myself very much Primal, the way I always have been, I'm still 80/20 because of dairy and chocolate and while the area or "safe starches" is still very controversial I am happy to include them in my diet.  I still stay away from wheat and excess sugar.

My day usually starts off with a decaf coffee with cream, at about 10am I generally have brunch which is almost always eggs 2-3 of them, I love them poached, scrambled, fried, an omelet and I'll add some cooked and cooled potato or sweet potato fried in ghee (clarified butter) and some sauerkraut (fermented cabbage), some avocado, maybe bacon if I feel like it.  That meal generally keeps me going most of the day until about 4-5pm and then I'll have a small snack of fruit, say a banana or apple with some nut butter.  Dinner is normally some meat, green vegetables and either some potatoes, kumara (sweet potato), rice, rice noodles and some days I just stick to zucchini noodles, cauliflower rice or mash because I like to change it up, everyday isn't the same otherwise I get bored.  I find myself cooking from cookbooks lately for new ideas.  My macros are probably about 100gms of carbohydrate a day, give or take, sometimes it's 150gms and other days it's 70gms, my protein is normally always around 70gms and my fat intake is roughly 70-80gms.  In terms of Percentages each day I'd sit around 45% Fat / 30% Carbs / 25% Protein, all very rough estimates.  My weight is fairly stable at 69-70kgs, (5'7") and I feel happy here, I could probably do with losing a few kgs but really have you ever met anyone that doesn't say that?! Mostly I'm just thankful that I have managed to maintain my weight loss while enjoying delicious food.

I personally think the following are really great websites to help get you on a good path to health and weight loss, I have no affiliation with any of these recommendations.

http://marksdailyapple.com
http://perfecthealthdiet.com
http://whole9life.com
https://chriskresser.com

New Zealand Pages:
http://www.rapidfitness.co.nz
http://paleozonenutrition.com
http://mikkiwilliden.com/
http://thatpaleoguy.com/

Please remember I'm not a doctor or dietitian and everything I have stated above is all from my experience, before diagnosing yourself please speak with a medical professional you trust.

Health rollercoaster!

For the past 5+ years I've been Primal, keeping my carbohydrate at around 50-100 a day, I've had moments of 20-50 (only when in weight loss mode).  More often than not I wouldn't have been in strict ketosis the majority of the time, probably on the cusp of ketosis, certainly dipping in and out.  For the past few months I have generally been strict keto (20-50) to see if it would improve my health after a nasty inner ear virus I got last year. Unfortunately I've come to the conclusion that my delicate hormones weren't happy with the extreme low carb.   

I was noticing my monthly cycle was a LOT worse than normal and I was having pain for 3 weeks out of the month which felt very abnormal, I have terrible menstrual pain due to my PCOS but never had I experienced the random pain in the same place when I wasn't menstruating, it was concerning me.  My dizziness (due to Menieres) wasn't improving and I was feeling really tired most of the time.  My energy was just really lacking and exercise was the last thing on my mind, I was struggling to get through the day without a nap and everything in life was just feeling so much harder, it felt like a mystery and that maybe I was having a stint of depression.  

I decided to change what I was eating to see if it was in fact the strict level of carbs I was eating that was causing my issues.  I know for a fact that food affects our bodies and brains so much, it's the most powerful form of medicine.  So I started eating a lot more carbs, the addition of kumara (sweet potato), potato, white rice and bananas and lowering the fat a little to compensate so my overall calories don't go too high. While I miss the high fat keto levels interestingly enough I have felt incredibly satiated on the lower fat levels and higher carbohydrates than what I thought I would.

The best part is the pain I was having in my lower abdomen has gone, my period pain is much more manageable.  My energy has been so much higher and I no longer need to nap during the day, most importantly the dizziness has mostly vanished which has made life feel so much easier. As a bonus I've actually been very surprised that I've lost cms, the scale has stayed the same but I'm fitting things I haven't fitted in a while.  

Before anyone gives me advice that I didn't do keto right, believe me I know a lot about it and I love all the science behind it.  I made sure I had bone broths, I kept the salt, potassium and magnesium high, fat was 70-80% and I have in the past felt amazing on keto so I was miffed that I felt my health declining.  I'm all for doing what works, but if it stops working I'm the kind of person that will keep digging until it feels right.  

I'm yet to find my perfect macro nutrient amounts but for now I'm just feeling so much healthier.  I wholeheartedly think keto has it's place for so many people, including myself for a moment in time, it was crucial in getting that 40kgs off effortlessly, however my long term health is most important to me right now.

While I still wouldn't consider the macronutrient ratios of my current style of eating "high carb" compared to the conventional carbohydrate wisdom it is a lot higher than I thought I would ever go, I'm averaging at least 100gms a day at the moment.  

I've been at this weight loss, weight maintenance, health journey for a long time now and i've been every different weight imaginable, what is my priority these days is my health, waking up and feeling amazing and happy.  Its not always about a number on the scale or the size of your clothes but how you feel in your skin, my focus these days is to be healthy and confident.

Transformation

Five and a half years ago I worked as a PA for a mortgage broker.  In late 2008 the international financial collapse economy took a massive hit, and the housing market slowed right down. My position was made redundant.  I found myself jobless and I will always remember that feeling of losing my job.  That feeling of dread and hopelessness to lose your job in a recession, and knowing that the available jobs around were going to be few and far between is not a very nice place to be.

I came home after hearing the news and sobbed, it felt at the time like my world was going to fall apart.  Not only had I lost my job but my marriage was going through a very trying time as I was suffering from depression and anxiety, and I was at an all time high with my weight.  I had gained 40kgs in a year and I didn't recognise the person starting back at me.  I felt hopeless, jobless, anxious, depressed and so uncomfortably fat that I was having trouble tying my shoe laces.  At the time I couldn't see my way out.  My husband (bless him) suggested that I should start my own business.  

Although we were going through a very tough time he was the one who believed in me more than I believed in myself.  He suggested I make clothes for people, he had seen me over years making dresses for myself for various weddings and how many people would always comment where they could get one too.  At first I thought I couldn't do it but I knew I had nothing to lose.  I had my mum's sewing machine and overlocker and I knew how to sew.  I was so anxious that I wouldn't be good enough.  With all that in mind I took the risk of not finding another job with a stable income, hoping that I could make my own income in time and in the meantime we would have to live on one wage with very little leftover.

We got a sandwich board printed by a friend and put that out on the street, in my lunchtimes I would walk the streets flyer dropping with black and white flyers that I designed myself and printed out.  Little by little I would get new clients.  It felt so demanding sewing clothing for women that were never really that happy about the clothes I made, not because of the quality, but because the risk you take when you get something custom made is huge.   Have you ever seen an outfit on a mannequin in the window of a clothing shop that you just love, only to try it on and realise it looks god damn awful on you.  Well it was much like that and although I knew many times that the garment would look like that, you can not tell women that you think that especially when you are just starting out.  

So after feeling deflated and like I didn't want to do that anymore I considered pulling out of the sewing world.  I thankfully had a businessman to my doorstep who bought fabric samples for me to look at, he asked me about what I was wanting to achieve.  He suggested that I do alterations and repairs because there's not as much risk and if you are good at it you can make good money.  I knew in my mind I was pretty good at alterations, I had lost count how many items of clothing I had pulled apart and transformed over the years.  So I headed up to Auckland and spent a week at my cousins Alteration Business in Epsom to see how this kind of business worked.  After spending many hours with the ladies and doing some alterations with them, learning how to tailor suits and dresses I realised that I could do it.  In fact I preferred it, there's a real satisfaction in fixing something and making it better.  It wasn't as "glamorous" as being a fashion designer like I had first hoped but it just made more sense.

I went home and changed the direction of my business, I phased out the custom clothing as I knew I would really start to hate sewing if I carried on with that.  I phased in the alterations and repairs and really started to enjoy it.  I did more flyer drops and waited for the phone to ring.  Gradually I started getting more people and started to make enough money to buy my first industrial sewing machine.  As the word of mouth started to work and I had more people over the next year I found myself quite a busy little bee, I was working hard and loving it.  I had to be motivated which can be tough when you are naturally a lazy person like I am.  I just kept my eye on the prize, worked hard and stayed focused.

Over the years as I made more money I bought more industrial machines to do all the different things I needed to do.  I bought a blind hemmer machine which has a curved needle to pick up a very small amount of fabric and this would save me so much time as I was doing that by hand! A cover seamer machine that could sew stretch hems, previously I had to send these hems away to Auckland to be done.  A heavy duty machine for denim so I didn't ruin my plain sewer that I used for silks and I made do with my domestic overlocker.  My database of clients grew each month and I worked longer hours and made more money.  I started to get feedback from clients saying I was the best alteration person they had ever been to and they were so happy I started my business, I was feeling the boost I needed to carry on and work hard.  I finally started to believe in myself and realised that I really was capable of so much more than I ever thought. 

Years later and countless hours spent, sometimes working nights and weekends to work with deadlines, I finally felt like I had a successful business.  When I got to tailor a suit for All Black Peri Wepu I knew that I must be doing something right!  

Currently I have 5 industrial machines and 3 domestic machines, I have a database with 1000 clients. I've upgraded from supermarket shopping bags to glossy red bags, stationery invoices to my own custom invoices, eftpos instead of only cash, It's turned into quite a successful thriving business and I love what I do! There has been many many moments throughout the last few years where I've wanted to quit, there's been tears, tiredness and doubt through it all.  I've counted dollars and cents to make ends meet and all of it has been through pure determination to make it work. None of it has been easy, but it's all been worth it.   I absolutely love my business, it's not perfect, but it's mine.  It's more than I ever thought it would be.

Counting the only money we had in my first two years of business!

When people say I'm so lucky to have such a great business I just agree with them because explaining this long story would take to much time.  Luck had nothing to do with it, all of what I've created is simply from hard work, long hours and determination to make it work.

Change is not always fun. In fact, depending on what brings you to the change, it can be down right humbling. Unfortunate events sometimes put us in very vulnerable positions where the future seems bleak. Facing the truth of the situation and reality that we are in is key, the great thing is we get to choose the path we want.  Step up to the challenge to move forward or you can sit and reminisce wishing things were different and watching the time go by…either way, the time will pass anyway.

Whether it's your job, weight, marriage, family etc..step up to the challenge of making things right. Choose to love yourself enough to make the changes.  You just need to start and believe in yourself. Your journey will not be perfect and it won't be the way it used to be, but it can be better.  You will be stronger, confident and more amazing than the old version of you ever was.  Change can happen little by little when you put in the work, stay consistent, focused and determined.  Don't get hung up on how things used to be, you might be stoping a transformation from emerging.  Years later you will look back at the time that has passed and well up with tears knowing that you have changed your life.

Transforming my health both physically and mentally, all while starting a new business! Anything is possible if you believe it can happen! http://primaljourney.blogspot.co.nz/p/how-i-lost-40kgs.html

Self-love

When I started my weight loss journey over 5 years ago I had a goal to get to 75kgs, then that number changed and I wanted to get to 62kgs.  I never actually achieved that number and while I got to 65kgs and now I've settled at 69-70kgs I believe that while I'm far from perfect I feel like I'm slowly reaching body acceptance and self love.  I don't think it's because of the number on the scale or because of how my body looks, depending on how I stand, sit or lie down I can look worse or better.  I can take a photo of myself with a great angle but at the end of the day I have to be happy with what I see in the mirror.

Instead of zeroing in on the excess skin I have on my stomach and thighs, cellulite, flabby areas, big calves and a deep belly button that I've always been self conscious about I realise that I have a great curvy body to be proud of and to love the good parts as imperfect as they are.  This body has seen me through an awful lot in my life and I am at the point where I am ready to accept my body as it is and stop hating on myself because I haven't reached what I considered in my head to be an ideal body.  

I am learning to love myself.  Not in a narcissistic way, just in a 'I am worthy and enough just as I am' kind of way.  Some reading this might think my excess of body fat, not enough muscle etc etc..isn't inspiring to you, and many of you will find it super inspiring if you are starting out on your weight loss journey.  I have always been honest and candid about my journey, I think that's why this blog and my Facebook page has been so popular.  

I wanted to illustrate that you don't need to reach a perfect body to start loving your body.  I may never achieve what I think a perfect body is, I'm not sure many women could say they think their body is perfect.  Sure I could improve what I already have by losing more body fat and increasing my muscle, am I willing to do it?  I do not know. One day I might wake up and become more committed.  I might decide to spend more time dedicating to a more toned physique but what I know for sure is that it won't bring me more happiness than what I feel right now.  

I have been every different size since I was 16, from a size 6-22NZ (2-18US) and every size in-between and still wasn't happy with the image in the mirror.  At 32 I'm ready to stop worrying so much about the size, I don't want to spend the next 30 years getting hung up about it. What has changed for me now is the relationship I have with myself, as I've gotten older I am getting more comfortable in my skin.  Instead of punishing myself with diets and exercise I WANT to nourish my body with delicious healthy food that makes me feel good, I like to have an occasional treat and a lot of you know I struggle with moderation.  I move my body because it feels good and I like to feel strong.  I am learning to treat myself with respect no matter what size I am.

I think the journey of self love and body acceptance for anyone that deals with it will be on that journey forever.  After all that I've read about self love I don't think you ever reach a place that you think 'I got this', there will always be times that I will swing from feeling amazing to insecure.  The difference now is that I feel gratitude.  I have tremendous gratitude for not only what I have achieved in the last 5 years, losing 40kgs and keeping it off is no easy feat, but that I have changed my life in more ways than I ever thought possible.  

I have started to accept that my body loves to sit at this weight, I think it's my natural set point.  Trying to achieve a lower weight does take a huge amount of extra effort.  I do truly believe that you can be happy with what you have while still moving forward and doing your best with your efforts.  I still have fat days (who doesn't) and I have skinny days because I cannot believe I'm not the size I once was.  For me it's been a really long journey and I feel that it's all about perspective and finding the positives in an imperfect body.

Consistency is key!

It’s been 5 years since I’ve considered grains a part of my diet that I sometimes forget that we are still living in a world where toast or cereal is considered breakfast, a sandwich or panini is lunch, a muffin for a snack and pasta is a side dish to dinner. The effect that gluten and most grains have on my digestive system (and possibly yours) simply doesn’t make it a choice I’m willing to make on a regular basis. 

Instead I focus on what foods make me feel good. On a daily basis I eat eggs, red meat, poultry, fish etc.. good quality high fat dairy, vegetables, berries, nuts, saturated fats and my sanity foods are coffee and dark chocolate. I feel so completely well fed and well nourished that I simply don’t have the desire to eat grains. Sometimes I might have a treat that I wouldn’t include as a regular part of my daily diet but I don’t consider it a “cheat”, I just consider it a choice. I am not someone that can eat highly stimulating foods in moderation so I choose wisely if I’m going to indulge, by no means am I a primal or paleo eating purist.

One of the reasons I fell in love with The Primal Blueprint was the 80/20 principle, to this day I still stick with that, if I notice the balance becoming more 70/30 or 60/40 I know I need to check myself and nip any bad habits in the bud that may have started to slide. This has been key to maintaining my weight loss over the last few years, it’s never been about perfection, it’s always been about consistency.

Life changing!

The pictures to the left were taken back in 2007. While I have always been a very bubbly and smiley person, behind the smile it was a very different story. I was suffering from debilitating depression, anxiety and panic attacks I hardly left the house and I had just lost my job. I had bad knees and struggled to exercise and even tie my own shoe laces.  My blood sugar spikes and lows gave me chronic lightheadedness all the time, I had daily headaches that would sometimes result in migraines. 

There was this one day when I hit rock bottom and the reflection I finally saw staring back at me changed everything. Call it a life changing moment, an epiphany, a moment of clarity, the state of denial I'd been living in came to light!

I realised I had to choose between a life of physical and mentally daily struggles where I had become the person feeling sorry for myself everyday or was I going to make changes that felt extremely overwhelming and impossible but I knew would change my life.  At the time the latter felt like the hardest thing in the world and unabtainable but I just put one foot in front of the other and begun, with the support of my amazing husband and family I worked my butt off everyday and as the physical changes started happening it was like peeling an onion, I found the core person that I had always been, I had hidden myself away with all those layers.

Five years on and I still cannot believe that I am where I am today.  I no longer suffer the debilitating depression, anxiety and panic attacks I once did, while I certainly still have my struggles and days that feel harder than others my life is no longer a pity party and I have a huge amount of gratitude.  I run my own successful sewing business that I started by myself and worked hard at, I am thankful for it everyday.  I can exercise freely with no knee pain and I don't have to constantly eat every couple of hours to stabilise my blood sugar, I am happier, I am healthier and I have a completely different outlook on life, suffice to say I am a different person but my spirit always remained the same. This journey has taught me so much about myself and while I love the physical transformation I am truly thankful that I found myself again.

The magic pill?

You want a magic pill? Don't we all and I'm sorry to say it doesn't exist, I believe that Oprah would have invented it by now!  I bet you would be willing to pay a lot of money just to have "the answer" so once and for all you could lose the weight and live happily ever after.  We live in a world where we can get whatever we want right now, instant gratification.  You can pretty much pay for anything and I cannot even count how many diet pills and so called magical diets there are for sale these days, everyone is trying to make a quick buck.  

The one thing I have learnt with this weight loss journey is that we cannot pay for a better body unless you are willing to go under the knife and that is a painful and expensive way to go and for most of us just not a reality.  To get results we have work for it and wait for the magic to happen, it's certainly not an overnight cure and it's a huge mental game, many people put it in the too hard basket and feel as if they will never figure out just how to do it.  It seems too confusing with all the mixed messages out there about how to eat, I get it! 

Please remember that no matter what we are all unique and what works for someone else is not necessarily what will work for you.  For instance I follow a low carb, high fat, primal diet that dips in and out of ketosis year round, it works for me, it's helped me shed 40kgs and I've maintained that loss for 5 years now. However I do not think that it will work like that for everyone and for most of you out there you won't ever need to go to the ketogenic levels that I have, I use a ketogenic diet to manage health issues like migraines, pcos and menieres disease, when I'm not in ketosis I don't feel my best.  Now I know a lot of people are tempted to monkey see, monkey do and mimic my diet and for many out there it might be the very thing that will help you (hence why I do this) but for a lot of people out there it could be the worst choice and I'm not encouraging everyone to just jump into it without some serious thought first.  

Don't be fooled into thinking that weight loss is the hard part and maintaining is easy, quite the opposite in fact! To maintain your weight loss is one of the hardest things, the changes you need to make in relation to your food choices need to be for the rest of your life. I'm sure you have all tried a "diet" and then stopped "dieting" only to gain the weight back and then some.  You need to make this a lifestyle, yes that sounds cheesy but it's the only sustainable way to keep the weight off. If you are eating shakes and protein bars everyday and you cannot imagine that being a part of your life forever then you will possibly be setting yourself up to fail. It's super important to choose the foods that you enjoy where you have variety, foods that help keep you satiated and the kinds of foods that you know you can eat for the rest of your life. I'm not going to talk about how many calories or macro-nutrients I think you should eat as it's too individual to cover.

So start small, set yourself a realistic goal, do not envision yourself in a unrealistic body, chances are that you will not obtain that idealistic version of yourself.  Set realistic and small goals, you can change this as you get further along, obtaining small goals is mentally much easier, for instance thinking in terms of 5kgs at a time vs losing 40kgs all at once can feel doable. Treat yourself to something lovely like a massage, pedicure, facial, new book, pair of shoes once you have reached your goals, it's a great wee motivator.  

Next step is to make a plan, figure out what style of eating suits your personality and find a support group out there, it's much easier to lose weight when you have the support of others.  There are multiple websites out there that have meal plans and recipe ideas. 

Consistency is key, I cannot stress this enough.  The choices you make on a daily basis is what will determine your fat loss goals, that's not to say that you can't ever have a treat, life is for living so get amongst it but try and plan it so you can find a balance.  Life will always be full of celebrations and exciting times surrounding food and you will have to make conscious choices.  Decide that your brothers wedding is a time you might want to let your hair down, eat all the cake and drink all the wine, but your aunties birthday might be a good time to practice some resistance and remind yourself you can politely say no.

Patience is needed, you will not get anywhere if you cannot practice some patience.  It takes a long time to lose substantial weight in a safe manner.  Some weeks you may not see any losses and other weeks you will feel like you have this dialed in and totally in control.  Like I mentioned earlier, weight loss isn't linear so don't expect the same results every week, just because you don't see your weight changing all the time doesn't mean it's not working.  The worst thing you can do is give up or start dropping your calories too low because then you are setting yourself up for failure and a damaged metabolism.

Results take time and it generally takes a lot longer then you think it will.  Remember you didn't gain weight overnight so one good meal won't make you thin just like one not so great meal won't blow all your efforts. True fat loss takes time and it's not an exact science like many lead you to believe.  If you have a lot of weight to lose it will happen much faster but if you don't have as much to lose it can be a slow and frustrating journey at times, don't give up.  Nothing worth having comes easily.

Most important of all...enjoy the journey! We can be so focused that we miss all the joy that comes from improving our eating habits, discovering new foods and new recipes, starting new hobbies and finding new ways to exercise that you enjoy.  Try not to be so focused on it that you miss out on life in the process! 

Five years ago I was sitting exactly where you are today feeling like it was never going to happen for me, I started this journey scared and fearful I might fail but I had nothing to lose.  I have never looked back x

Back in skinny jeans & my food diary!

A while back - say 4 months ago I didn't feel like the inspiration so many of you think of me as, a few of you might know about my recent weight gain - I actually ended up gaining 9 kgs (not 6 like I initially thought).  I had taken a break from the scale and thought it would all iron out,  when my pants no longer fit I needed to get real with myself.  When I finally weighed again on the 3rd July 2013, I ended up weighing 78kgs which freaked the crap out of me, I had not been this weight for over 4 years when I first lost my weight.   This was a result of my safe starch experiment which did not agree with me and left me feeling sick and fat.  It wasn't just the starches that did it, I believe that for me the starches were a slippery slope that lead me to eating a bunch of unhealthy foods and my appetite was out of control!  Now I think for many people adding safe starches works wonderfully, I am just not one of them.

I have hovered in the 65-69kg range for 4 years and feel pretty awesome there, I have followed a Primal diet, mostly in ketosis with my carbs ranging from 20-70 a day, some weekends I would break this and have a few treats but I have spent the majority of the last 5 years (including the 1 year it took me to lose the weight) in a keto-adapted state - primal food of course.

Now a 9kg weight gain is a big deal for me, I knew if I didn't get this off pronto then it could turn into a much bigger problem and I just wasn't prepared to go down that road after all the hard work and determination I've put into my health over the years. I'm writing this to show you guys that I'm just a normal person with the same insecurities and imperfections that you all have.  I'm not perfect and I have to make daily choices with my food just like everyone else.  I get comments like "it must be easy when you work from home", well my answer to that is yes it can be easier in terms of cooking what I want to when I want but it also means I have such easy access to my fridge and pantry and I have to be super mindful that I don't just graze on food willy nilly.

I had the most amazing email from Mark Sisson when I asked him for some guidance as I was feeling very deflated.  Part of what he wrote me:

Sorry you have experienced a minor setback, but I'm glad you are experimenting and trying new things.  In no way would you ever disappoint me.  Throughout your journey as detailed in your photos you have looked beautiful and healthy (and radiant) at the 69-70 kg weight.  That is a great, healthy, long-life weight for you.  There is no reason to struggle to get down much below that.  Just pick up where you left off and you will get there again.  No apologies.  No disappointments.  No beating yourself up for having tried something new.  Just gratitude for what you have done to get here and for all the knowledge and confidence you now have to be healthy for the rest of your life.

Hearing that really helped me to stop beating myself up about what I had done and to just move on, when you know better you do better.  I knew what to do so I just got right back to basics remembering that slow weight loss works best and thinking long term about a healthy long-life weight as Mark so eloquently pointed out to me.

So I have been back to following a ketogenic version of Primal for 18 weeks now (with 2 weeks of a Whole30 - well it was a Whole14 for me) and I have managed to get those 9kgs off! I am so thrilled and I feel back to my normal self weight wise, the health issues are improving, I do think my body took a real hit after my starch experiment. 

I have also had a nasty inner ear virus a few months back which has made my Meniere's Disease much worse and it really has thrown me a curve ball, the way I choose to respond to it is what matters.  I choose my health first because without that I have nothing.  I find that sticking to a ketogenic diet and watching my sodium intake seems to be the thing that helps me manage my menieres's disease, along with a myriad of symptoms like depression, anxiety, PCOS, migraines and daily headaches that all flare up when I'm not in ketosis.

As explained in my Ketosis post I am monitoring my blood ketone levels, just to see how deep in ketosis I am, I won't do this forever (the strips are really expensive $1.70 each!), it's because I'm a data nerd and I am seeing what foods will throw me out of ketosis - too much protein is certainly something that will do that.  I tend to feel better when I am in ketosis, I have more energy, no crazy sweet cravings, I'm sleeping 8-9hours a night and only waking up once, if that.  If I eat a higher carb diet (anything above 70) I wake 4-5 times a night so the quality isn't as good. As mentioned above all the health issues I've struggled with for years are improved beyond what any medication has been able to achieve, food really is that powerful.

It's always a bit of a catch 22, because you need energy to put into cooking decent food for yourself, yet you don't have the energy until the processed carbs are out.  If you can just get through that initial carb flu then the boundless energy you get means that continuing to cook amazing food isn't in the hard basket you might think it is.  At least this is the case for me.

So I've detailed the last 7 days of my food diary to give you an idea of what I have been eating to lose the weight.  Weight loss isn't linear, some weeks you will lose more, some weeks you will lose less, some weeks you will gain and some weeks you won't lose at all, this is why I don't recommend weighing all the time otherwise you will likely drive yourself crazy.  If you can weigh and take it for what it is then by all means go for it.  If you are weight training then don't even bother as you will be changing your body composition and the scale won't tell you much, take photos and body measurements, it's much more accurate than the scale.    

For weight loss I try to keep my calories around about 1500-1600 a day, for you it might be different depending on your size and activity level.  I'm not currently active due to a back injury and the inner ear issues, I've only been doing gentle walks.  If you are active then please increase your calories.  The more you cut your calories the more you will damage your metabolism and then it will be difficult to keep the weight off in the long term.  It is better to do a slow deficit, for example my maintenance calories are around about 2000 a day so therefore I only drop about 400 a day.  It means a slower weight loss of about 1 pound or 0.5kg a week, not too much too fast but enough to keep momentum.

Now please don't think you have to run out and purchase a ketone meter and test for ketones, nor do you have to even be in ketosis like I am, I do it because I feel better health wise and I like the feeling of ketosis - not everyone does.  

At the end of the day if you drop the processed carbs, grains, processed seed oils, sugary products and keep an eye on your calories for a couple of weeks to figure out if it's working then that should be enough.  Exercise is also a great idea, there is so many health benefits to exercise, too many to write down here.  When it comes to weight loss the majority of your results will come from from you eat, it's about 80% of the equation.  Keeping a written diary is vital, pay attention to your mood, sleep, appetite etc.. Your body is really good at letting you know if you need to change something.  If that isn't enough then going down the route of a Ketogoenic diet is always an option.

Wednesday 30th October 2013 
Blood Ketone level: 0.8
8am: Duck egg omelet (2 eggs), with cream, cherry tomatoes, coriander and cheese
3pm: 2 slices of Haloumi cheese, 4 walnuts
6pm: Steak with mushrooms, peppers, zucchini, green beans, sesame oil and coconut aminos, 2 squares of 85% Lindt

59gms Carb - 17gms Fiber = 42gms Net Carbs, 83gms Protein, 130gms Fat 1630 Calories

Thursday 31st October

Blood Ketone level: 0.9

7am: 2 eggs mashed in butter, Decaf nespresso with cream and 1 tsp sugar, 2 squares of  85% Lindt

2pm: 4 Flax and Almond Crackers from Little Bird, topped with Mashed tuna mixed with homemade mayo. 3 slices of Haloumi cheese, 1 square of 85% Lindt 

8pm: Chilli Prawns with a large salad of greens, cherry tomatoes, avocado. 1 square of 85% Lindt.

39gms Carb - 8gms Fiber = 31gms Net Carbs, 70gms Protein, 124gms Fat, 1580 Calories

Friday 1st November

Blood Ketone level: 1.7

10am: 2 eggs mashed in butter, Decaf nespresso with cream and 1 tsp sugar, 2 squares of  85% Lindt, 1 piece of frozen macadamia and cashew fudge

6pm: Scallops with zucchini noodles and browned butter and cream topped with parmesan cheese, 1 square 85% Lindt

39gms Carb - 11gms Fiber = 28gms Net Carbs, 65gms Protein, 121gms Fat, 1486 Calories

Saturday 2nd November

Blood Ketone level: 1.7
9am: Hot Coconut Chocolate - 60mls Coconut cream, 20gms Unsalted Butter, 2 tsps sugar, 2 tsps Cocoa powder, boiling hot water (all blended together - makes a creamy hot chocolate), 1 square 85% Lindt

1pm: 4 Flax and Almond Crackers from Little Bird, topped with Mashed tuna mixed with homemade mayo. 1 square 85% Lindt.  
3pm: Decaf Long black with 1 sugar and a side of runny cream (cafe)

6.30pm: Takeaways from Mexican Restaurant: Barbacoa Shredded Beef Salad with cheese, lettuce, guacamole, chipotle, sour cream. 1 square Lindt 85%

*This is a really large mug, the size of two standard cups! I really like drinking out of my Pooh bear mug that my brother bought me for my 16th birthday! This drink fills me up for a few hours :)

62gms Carb - 16gms Fiber = 45gms Net Carbs, 83gms Protein, 124gms Fat, 1605 Calories

Sunday 3rd November
Blood Ketone level: 0.9
8am: Scrambled eggs (2 made with cream and butter), Decaf nespresso with cream and 1 tsp sugar, 2 squares of  85% Lindt
10.30am: Decaf Long black with 1 sugar and a side of runny cream (cafe)

2pm: Hot Coconut Chocolate - 60mls Coconut cream, 20gms Unsalted Butter, 2 tsps sugar, 2 tsps Cocoa powder, boiling hot water (all blended together - makes a creamy hot chocolate), handful of fresh strawberries

7pm: Pork and Chicken from the weber BBQ, roasted pumpkin and radishes, large salad with avocado, red peppers and homemade aioli

41gms Carb - 15gms Fiber = 26gms Net Carbs, 59gms Protein, 127gms Fat, 1586 Calories

Monday 4th November

Blood Ketone level: 1.1

8am: 2 eggs mashed with homemade aioli, Hot Coconut Chocolate - 60mls Coconut cream, 20gms Unsalted Butter, 2 tsps sugar, 2 tsps Cocoa powder, boiling hot water (all blended together - makes a creamy hot chocolate)

2pm: Decaf nespresso with cream and 1 tsp sugar, slice of leftover pork

6pm: Thai Green Chicken Curry Soup (recipe link is for the curry, for the soup I just make it basically the same but use half the amount of coconut cream and a couple of cups of Chicken Bone Broth). 2 pieces 85% Lindt

31gms Carb - 7gms Fiber = 24gms Net Carbs, 60gms Protein, 104gms Fat, 1380 Calories

Tuesday 5th November

Blood Ketone level: 1.8
12pm: Leftover pork, roast pumpkin with spinach greens and homemade aioli and lemon olive oil, 2 squares 85% Lindt
6pm: Chicken, Cashew and Coconut Curry (leftover chicken with onion and carrot, mix in Tikka masala curry paste from Pataks and Coconut cream). Served with Coriander and Ginger Cauliflower Rice cooked in butter. 1 square 85% Lindt

52gms Carb - 13gms Fiber = 39gms Net Carbs, 59gms Protein, 127gms Fat, 1621 Calories

Wednesday 6th November

Blood Ketone level: 1.1

1pm: A bed of spinach and asparagus, topped with poached eggs and hollandaise sauce. 1 square Lindt 85%
7.30pm: Takeaways from Burgerfuel: Fordfreakout burger wrapped in lettuce - 1/3 pound 100% pure NZ grass fed beef, bacon, avocado, salad, relish and fresh natural aioli. 1 square Lindt 85%

37gms Carb - 15gms Fiber = 22gms Net Carbs, 56gms Protein, 129gms Fat, 1670 Calories

My jeans feel looser and I totally did a happy dance to be back down to 69kgs! The entire time I've been losing weight I haven't felt deprived, hungry or like I was dieting - does it look like I've been on some restrictive diet? I think not!

I choose not to make many primal or paleo "substitutes" as I find it gives me cravings for the real thing and artificial sweeteners (even stevia) trigger vertigo attacks and I cannot stand the bitter taste.   My compromise Macadamia & Cashew Fudge every now and then and 85% Lindt Dark Chocolate everyday, it keeps me sane and satisfied (mostly fat with a little sugar) and I eat many squares a day - don't judge me, it's something that I enjoy ;)  I do think it is important to find a little treat that you can have otherwise you will likely start to feel like you are missing out and that's no fun for anyone!

Like I've said so many times before I can eat this way for the rest of my life therefore I don't feel like I'm dieting. I hope some of you out there find this helpful and encouraging. 

Also I'm finally up to date with all social media networks now!!! Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Pinterest and Twitter 
I now have videos on YouTube as some of you may learn better from videos vs blogging (this is still in the early stages so apologies for a bit of amateur videoing).  You can also view them through Pinterest, plus on Pinterest I have books I've read, recipe links, food I eat on a daily basis and primal resources etc...
Instagram I upload a few more pictures that I do on Facebook as the rules of Facebook are changing and you have to pay for everyone to see your posts which annoys me!  Twitter... well updates of all my geeky links that I read and whatever else I find amusing or helpful.  

I think that about covers this gigantic post, please share this around to help spread the word about Primal, I believe one person at a time change will happen.  Thank you all so much for following me and keeping me on my toes, without your support I'm not sure I would have been so motivated to do all this so I have a lot of gratitude to you all! Michelle x