Self-love

When I started my weight loss journey over 5 years ago I had a goal to get to 75kgs, then that number changed and I wanted to get to 62kgs.  I never actually achieved that number and while I got to 65kgs and now I've settled at 69-70kgs I believe that while I'm far from perfect I feel like I'm slowly reaching body acceptance and self love.  I don't think it's because of the number on the scale or because of how my body looks, depending on how I stand, sit or lie down I can look worse or better.  I can take a photo of myself with a great angle but at the end of the day I have to be happy with what I see in the mirror.

Instead of zeroing in on the excess skin I have on my stomach and thighs, cellulite, flabby areas, big calves and a deep belly button that I've always been self conscious about I realise that I have a great curvy body to be proud of and to love the good parts as imperfect as they are.  This body has seen me through an awful lot in my life and I am at the point where I am ready to accept my body as it is and stop hating on myself because I haven't reached what I considered in my head to be an ideal body.  

I am learning to love myself.  Not in a narcissistic way, just in a 'I am worthy and enough just as I am' kind of way.  Some reading this might think my excess of body fat, not enough muscle etc etc..isn't inspiring to you, and many of you will find it super inspiring if you are starting out on your weight loss journey.  I have always been honest and candid about my journey, I think that's why this blog and my Facebook page has been so popular.  

I wanted to illustrate that you don't need to reach a perfect body to start loving your body.  I may never achieve what I think a perfect body is, I'm not sure many women could say they think their body is perfect.  Sure I could improve what I already have by losing more body fat and increasing my muscle, am I willing to do it?  I do not know. One day I might wake up and become more committed.  I might decide to spend more time dedicating to a more toned physique but what I know for sure is that it won't bring me more happiness than what I feel right now.  

I have been every different size since I was 16, from a size 6-22NZ (2-18US) and every size in-between and still wasn't happy with the image in the mirror.  At 32 I'm ready to stop worrying so much about the size, I don't want to spend the next 30 years getting hung up about it. What has changed for me now is the relationship I have with myself, as I've gotten older I am getting more comfortable in my skin.  Instead of punishing myself with diets and exercise I WANT to nourish my body with delicious healthy food that makes me feel good, I like to have an occasional treat and a lot of you know I struggle with moderation.  I move my body because it feels good and I like to feel strong.  I am learning to treat myself with respect no matter what size I am.

I think the journey of self love and body acceptance for anyone that deals with it will be on that journey forever.  After all that I've read about self love I don't think you ever reach a place that you think 'I got this', there will always be times that I will swing from feeling amazing to insecure.  The difference now is that I feel gratitude.  I have tremendous gratitude for not only what I have achieved in the last 5 years, losing 40kgs and keeping it off is no easy feat, but that I have changed my life in more ways than I ever thought possible.  

I have started to accept that my body loves to sit at this weight, I think it's my natural set point.  Trying to achieve a lower weight does take a huge amount of extra effort.  I do truly believe that you can be happy with what you have while still moving forward and doing your best with your efforts.  I still have fat days (who doesn't) and I have skinny days because I cannot believe I'm not the size I once was.  For me it's been a really long journey and I feel that it's all about perspective and finding the positives in an imperfect body.