This is not the end!

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Hey guys, I know I don't post as much these days but I am still here and to be honest there's been quite a bit happening for me behind the scenes. If you follow my Facebook or Instagram then you'll probably know I've bought my first house so things over the last couple of months were very hectic, I took many a break from technology and I loved it, making me reassess the excess of time I spend on technology and trying to keep up to date with all the social media outlets I have.

Most of you will recall my wee confession back in March about the fact I do eat potatoes and white rice on occasion and I'm sleeping better and feeling much better for it! Call the Paleo Police if you want ;)

Essentially the way I'm feeling right now is I wish I could de "label" myself sometimes! People know me as Primal Journey and look up to me as an example of Paleo/Primal living.  I am far from perfect and I have always considered myself a 80/20 follower of Primal, people forget that and then question why I'm drinking milk and eating some potatoes.  Ever since putting myself in the public eye it can be a lot of pressure to try and stay perfectly consistent all the time. I'm in Mark Sissons book, I was on the Good Morning TV show 4 years ago and I have an avid following because of it, I appreciate all of it, truly so thank you for all of the support I receive, it doesn't go unnoticed.


Ok guys I'm gonna get real here.

So I had my experiment with nutritional ketosis and it still remains one of my hottest topics on this blog, it's everywhere at the moment, just do a quick google search and everyone is talking about it and how it's the cure all. When I originally lost all of my weight back in 2008/09 I knew that ketosis was what happens when you drop your carbs low enough but I didn't actively seek it and I would dear say that over that year I would have dipped in and out of it, never staying in deep ketosis 24/7. Last year when I started my actual experiment of testing my ketones and ramping up my fat, dropping my protein and carbs a LOT lower is when I started running into problems. For us women our hormonal levels are mighty complicated and for some of us we require more carbohydrates. I thought over the years that this was hogwash but it turns out that now that I've experienced a few issues I have found myself back peddling and trying to find my sweet spot once again.

When I started this blog, I was all about Low Carb Primal and I was determined to lose weight, I did that and have successfully kept off the majority of my weight. I struggle with keeping it real here and also trying to help people at the same time, I get emails daily asking for help, to look over food diaries, to help with food issues and all sorts. The truth of the matter is I am no diet guru, I don't have any nutrition degrees, psychology degrees, I haven't written books and I haven't got the magic pill that so many are wanting.

I've blogged over the years about the evils of grains, legumes, too many nuts, the miracle of saturated fat, I've demonised starches and sugars, warned against too many paleo treats and the likes of anything that I've had an opinion about, I've lost sight of what I wanted for myself, my quest for better health.

Over the years my eating was sometimes insanely over restrictive to find the best way in which I could lose weight and get a baggin bod. You know deep down I still want that but I don't want it the way I want good health, without your health you have nothing, this I have learnt the hard way. Some would argue that in order to have a baggin bod you have to be healthy and I personally do not agree, I think health comes in all shapes and sizes. Many of you know I have been every different size imaginable and yet I have forgotten somewhere along the way that when I was morbidy obese and struggling to tie my own shoes laces all I ever wanted was to be healthy again. The goal post moves the closer you get to it.

Looking back at all the posts over the past 5 years and the person I was when I started my weight loss journey, I was a person who lost a LOT of weight following a low carb primal diet and I did it relatively effortlessly. The real struggle has been in maintenance and my underlying desire to want to get even slimmer. Over the years I have had periods of being completely off the rails for a couple of weeks only to spend months making up for it by measuring every morsel of food that went into my body. I've counted the carbohydrates in cucumbers while justifying the copious amounts of butter in coffee and I have fasted when in fact I was really frikken hungry! Typing that out makes me think, holy shit that's some messed up relationship you have with food. I tried the Whole30 and only lasted 14 days because I had too much food chatter going on in my head and realised I really don't need to add any more restriction.

In my quest to find more balance with my relationship with food I have just gone back to the way I used to eat before I started experimenting with nutritional ketosis, whole30 etc. etc. Now I believe these programs wholeheartedly have their place and for many people they are life savers. For me I don't think I had a positive outcome.

When I restrict too much I start weighing myself everyday and sometimes more than once and my day is then determined by it, if myfitnesspal pie chart looks like perfect macros then I'd be happy . I would obsess over the stupidest food choices like whether or not I should eat a damn sweet potato, because those carbs might tip me over the edge and knock me right outta ketosis. On the crazy train!

However when I loosely follow the "guidelines" of Primal, and for me that means eating mostly plants and animals with some dairy and starch and I allow myself a little 20% indulgence foods I feel completely normal and like I do not have any type of issues with food. Beyond that I cascade into a complete crazy lady on the hunt for my next sugar hit!

See Paleo/Primal is an awesome way of eating that I truly enjoy and I feel so damn good when I follow it, I managed to make it a misery by going on a "strict 100% compliant" version of it. I tend to take everything to extremes, I've never been much of a fan of moderation because I have thought I couldn't do it. I still struggle with it and I'm trying to work on it, I kind of like the challenge now of just trying to eat one cookie and then stop, yeah I'm still not there but I'm trying.

I see this whole thing as a bit of a break through for me, here I am 5 years down the track of losing my weight and I have been terrified of gaining it all back. For anyone who has lost a substantial amount of weight I'm sure you can relate to some degree.

Now in reality my life is pretty damn great, I look good, I can pretty much shop at any shop I want, when you have been obese this doesn't ever get old! I have an awesome marriage to the most amazing man who has always been there being my biggest cheerleader and loved me no matter what size I have been.  I remind myself if he can love me so much with all my imperfections then how come it's so much harder to love myself?!

I don't think the lesson of self love is something you learn and all of a sudden decide to love yourself, I think it's a long winded journey of self discovery, I hope that once I reach my mid life then I can stop caring SO much about how I look and truly love the skin I'm in 100%!

So that's where I am at! I am trying to eat intuitively without "rules", I am nourishing my body with micronutrients so plenty of vegetables. I am eating in a way that feels right for me at this stage in my journey. I feel like my diet is more balanced now, I'm not trying to actively lose weight like I used to, I feel like I am a healthy weight and my clothes fit me and most of all I feel normal! 

"Eat sufficient protein, fill in the rest with carbohydrates and fat, don't snack much, don't starve yourself, and develop a healthy relationship with food and with yourself". Amen Stefani Ruper!
I refuse to weigh myself anymore, I am not counting calories or macros (carbs, fat, protein). I am enjoying myself and my life without food restrictions. My mindset has changed quite drastically and I know that this isn't the end.

I feel relieved, nervous and determined all at the same time! I am relieved that I have given myself permission to not care so much whether I eat something "non-primal", I'm nervous because of course I don't want to gain my weight back and then I'm determined because I know that I can and will gain a sense of peace with this all eventually.

I had to give you all an update to let you know where I'm at, I had big ideas to do all sorts of things like writing a recipe book and doing YouTube videos but I think where I am at right now I need to work on reforming my relationship with food and my body and I am doing so by by reading good books like "Sexy By Nature" by Stefani Ruper 
"Health at Every Size" by Linda Bacon

“Celebrating the unique beauty within you does not mean that you cannot set goals. It does not mean that you give up on weight loss, fitness, clear skin, or any of the other external markers of health and sex appeal…. It means only that you embrace your body as it has been designed." - Stefani Ruper

These books are both life changing!

12 comments

  1. "I've counted the carbohydrates in cucumbers while justifying the copious amounts of butter in coffee.
    Typing that out makes me think, holy shit that's some messed up relationship you have with food.
    I would obsess over the stupidest food choices like whether or not I should eat a damn sweet potato, because those carbs might tip me over the edge and knock me right outta ketosis. On the crazy train!
    I've never been much of a fan of moderation because I have thought I couldn't do it. I still struggle with it and I'm trying to work on it, I kind of like the challenge now of just trying to eat one cookie and then stop, yeah I'm still not there but I'm trying.
    I am trying to eat intuitively without "rules", I am nourishing my body with micronutrients so plenty of vegetables."

    Reading this, I can see so much of myself! I switched from low-carb to intuitive eating about a month ago. I'm so much happier and haven't gained weight (maybe even lost a little). I have weighed myself a couple of times but not every morning like I used to. My workouts are better and I run so much faster now. Just this week I made a blog post about the good and the bad of low-carb: http://www.healthymargit.com/2014/04/my-experience-with-low-carb-the-good-and-the-bad.html

    Oh, and I recommend a book by Josie Spinardi: "How To Have Your Cake and Skinny Jeans Too". This was the book that revolutionised my nutrition.

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    1. Hey Margit, so sorry for the late reply! I just read your blog and wow I think we are in tune with each other lol! It's is awesome how the addition of carbs makes workouts so much better ;) I will have to get that book, thanks for the recommendation :D

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  2. Refreshing honesty - most of us can relate to what you are going thru! The journey to health is not a straight easy road - if it was, none of us would be overweight. I hope it helps you to know - that you have been a huge inspiration to me & I have learnt so much from your fb posts.
    I have found a way of eating that suits me-I'm never hungry & progress is good! I dare not step on the scale because no matter how good I feel - I know the number on the scale can make me or break me - I wont take the risk. So I haven't got a clue how much I weigh or how much or little I have lost - and for once in my life - it doesn't matter.
    Keep up sharing your story Michelle, enjoy your new home with hubby & have a great weekend!

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    1. So sorry for the late reply Gypsy Organics! I truly loved your comment and it is so great to hear you have found your own path of health, how awesome!! Thank you so much for stopping by :D

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  3. THANK YOU!!! thank you soooo much Michelle for your honesty!! I'm following you for month now. I've made a first try at Paleo in November. I was doing good (-6 kg in 6 weeks) but after a surgery I had to stop eating fat. Since that, I've not been able to get back on tracks.
    Your blog is such an inspiration to me and your honesty is precious. It helps me to find the power to start my paleo journey again.
    Please continue to write sometimes in your blog. I will continue to follow you from France
    Stephanie

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    1. Thank you Stephanie for your comment and sorry for the delay in replying! It can be hard to stay on track especially with medical issues. I wish you all the best :D

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  4. I am doing exactly as you are. I don't count anything. I eat intuitively a primal diet. I keep milk low but have cream and cheese. I don't count carbs and have a little kumara. I have peas and pumpkin. I don't over consume fats, just eat what I consider to be a normal amount without being afraid of them. You sound very much where I am :) I am driven by health, not weight and I do believe that is totally the most important factor.

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    1. Sorry for the delay in replying Lynda! Thanks for your comment :) Yes I believe we are along similar lines :D

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  5. I'm happy to see you relax a bit and start to enjoy what you have achieved. I think one of the best messages you can send to your readers is that you can reach a point where you are happy, and stop counting, restricting, and obsessing. The mental side of things is what really holds a lot of us back from reaching our goals. I think it's beneficial to be comfortable along the journey and when you're maintaining.

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    1. Thank you Julie, yes it is time to just enjoy what I have achieved. Time to relax and maintain :D

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  6. Michelle your honesty is so refreshing. Many times I have looked at your totally low-carb meals in the past, and wondered how you mustered the strength to eat that way. I have tried to emulate that a few times, but it's very difficult for me to stick with. I think that a more balanced way of eating is invaluable in that it allows you to become less obsessive about food altogether. I wish you the best of luck, and please know that your honesty is far better for your readership than continuing to espouse something that may actually not be completely working for you. Our bodies change, and sometimes it's better and kinder to them to work with the changes and needs of our bodies. You are an inspiration for "putting yourself out there" and for your complete honesty. Thank you for the countless hours you have spent with this website, and for showing not just "hardcore primal" but actually the title of your blog "Primal Journey" is what you have shown. That the "journey" sometimes leads you to unexpected places, but that it is still part of the process. Best wishes to you and your beautiful husband.

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    1. Wow Elle thank you so much for your beautiful words, your comment was truly lovely to ready and I completely agree, it's just nice to hear it from others, thank you so much :D

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